Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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