i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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