don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
