Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
