If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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