Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
