i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
