I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
