we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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