so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
