I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
