I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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