a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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