My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
