Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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