I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
