I am puke
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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