now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
