Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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