I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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