listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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