Your face is a jimmy john
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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