***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
