last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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