FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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