I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
