it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
