i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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