you would pick up someone in the library
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
