Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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