You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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