He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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