My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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