I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
