so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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