My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
