My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
