I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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