I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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