Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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