I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
