So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize