i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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