smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
