Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
