Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just high enough for therapy.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize