i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
