Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize