Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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