i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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