Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
