is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
