i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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