He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
