go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
