did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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