Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
