It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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