if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
