I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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